I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
