i think my tv is drunk
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
