he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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