This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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