so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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