im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
