i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
