Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize