i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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