sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize