the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
