Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
