Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
