matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
