My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
