Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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