It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
