apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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