There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
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