My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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