So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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