I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
