I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The Olympian is in my bed
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