i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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