I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
