Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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