it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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