My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
