Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
