you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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