Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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