Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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