did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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