I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I want a musical about memes.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
