is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
