Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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