I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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