Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
