He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
