id be glad to
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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