just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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