just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
