and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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