i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
