Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize