NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
