Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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