I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
