Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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