i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
