I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
