I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize