DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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