I wanna bring you to show and tell
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
