He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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