Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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