OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
