Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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