I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
