moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
