Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
