after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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