...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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